Friday, July 26, 2002 [by:SpaceBass]

WASHINGTON, DC—Standing in front of a reader board bearing his newest catch-phrase motto, "Takin' Care of Bidness," President George W. Bush declared an end to the divisive politics borne by a free democratic system, by naming himself "President-for-Ever-and-Ever."

President-for-Ever-and-Ever George W. Bush
overstating his I.Q.

The controversial move was the natural culmination of the increased duties held by the highest political office, according to White House spokesman, Ari Fleischer. "I really don't see what you're getting so worked up about," Fleischer told reporters at the press conference following the President-for-Ever-and-Ever's announcement. "It's not like you really elected him president in the first place. Why does it make a difference who appoints him as your leader, the Supreme Court or he, himself? The end result is still a lot of good, hard work and an occasional beer or eight-ball."

The President-for-Ever-and-Ever justified his self-appointment by reminding critics that our country was at war. "Look, we're at WAR," he said.

When asked by a reporter when Congress had officially declared war and on whom, the President-for-Ever-and-Ever replied, "If we weren't at war, you wouldn't be dead right now." The reporter pointed out that he was very much alive, whereupon the President-for-Ever-and-Ever drew a handgun and popped a cap in the questioner's head, spraying blood and brains over the two rows behind him. "Oh, really?" said the President-for-Ever-and-Ever.

He also announced the dissolution of Congress and the Senate, the formal establishment of his plan for the Department of Homeland Security Under God, and promised huge bonuses to the sitting members of the Supreme Court.

"The Senate's plan to weaken my ability to protect the American people finally sent me over the edge," said the President-for-Ever-and-Ever. "An administration dedicated to tracking a shadowy enemy and preventing terrorist attacks should not be shackled by burdensome 'rules' and 'laws,'" he said, making the little quote marks with his fingers. "Also, I need a pay raise," he added.

"The point is, we don't know who could be a terrorist; it could be anybody -- it could be YOU!" he continued, driving his point home by calling on Secret Service agents to haul off a random audience member, whose subsequent screams and wails of anguish could be heard by all, echoing through the walls and filling the White House press room. "See?" he said. "Now we're getting some goddamn RESULTS."

Next on the President-for-Ever-and-Ever's agenda is a plan to declare polygamy legal, and to take all current and future supermodels as his wives.

"Laura's getting up there in years," he said, winking and snickering. "And frankly, she wasn't all that hot to begin with."