Tuesday, August 6, 2002 [by:SpaceBass]

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Researchers at the Foundation for Intrusive Experimental Research, Yo, (FIERY) released the results of their latest study today, in which most of your family, friends, acquaintances, educators, athletic coaches, guidance counselors, therapists, and former and current employers participated. The Foundation emphasized that the study results, while considered accurate at the time of their release, were not yet fully understood by the research group. "One thing is crystal clear, however," said the research lead, Dr. Albert Reddy Tolja, "you really don't know what the hell you are talking about."

Dr. Tolja believes you may be retarded.

The Foundation received a sizeable government grant in 2002 to examine your speaking and writing habits and the content of your personal opinions. "This kind of research is extremely important," said Dr. Tolja, "in order to determine whether you are, indeed, completely boogered and if so, to what extent. Our children and our children's children will certainly benefit from the knowledge we've uncovered here, but mainly it will help those people who are currently forced to deal with you on a day-to-day basis. We at the Foundation feel really, really sorry for those people. I mean, that must just suck, considering how fucked in the head you are."

Researchers looked not only at what you told people in casual or formal conversation, but also at what you wrote in emails, in letters to loved ones, and in your personal journal. "That was a real treat," said one member of the research team who wished to remain anonymous. "What a fucking sissy. Your journal was all full of shit like, 'Oh, I'm so sad because some bird hit my window and died, twitching,' and 'I think I'm menstruating...can guys menstruate?' I mean, shit! You fuckin' spaz! Although...I am curious if you were, like, bleeding from your ass or something. And why."

The study results confirmed the findings of a recent unscientific poll of your closest friends and family members, which was conducted by your girlfriend. Respondents answered questions such as, "What the hell is up with him?" and "Can you believe that shit?" The poll results showed an overwhelming majority was of the opinion that you were "completely full of it."

The Foundation hopes to build on the findings released today by conducting future studies on the state of your ethical and moral character, as well as attempting to document your suspected illegitimate ancestry.

"The important thing to remember with respect to these study results," cautioned Dr. Tolja, "is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how fucked up it may be. And, my friend, yours is seriously fucked up."

In response to the study, your girlfriend announced at the press conference that, "It's definitely over now. I can no longer fool myself into maintaining the illusion that your personality makes up for your utter lack of skill in bed."

By press time, you had not returned repeated calls for comment, which is probably just as well because hey, think of the irony.