Wednesday, August 15, 2001 [by:SpaceBass thanks:Geneva]

Getting tired of always having to tell your overamorous lover, "Get off me?" Complain no more of phantom headaches, Max15Degrees has compiled a handy list to give you a little variety when you stave off that unrequested lovin'.

21 Things To Do To Throw Your Lover Off During Sex

1. Yell, "I disagree!" at random opportune moments. (e.g. Your partner: "Oh baby, YES!" You: "I DISAGREE!" Optional sotto voce: "Circle gets the square.")

2. Make bionic sound effect noises while thrusting, "CH-CH-CH-ch-ch-ch!"

3. Read "The Joy of Sex"—intently. Glance at your partner periodically and sigh or grumble.

4. Gargle.

5. Cry.

6. Practice your origami folding with the pillowcases.

7. Call out to your partner using inappropriate nicknames. (e.g. "You magnificent bastard!" or "Yeah, right there, you commie fuckstain!" or "Oh, Mom!")

8. Hold your breath until you pass out.

9. Ask, "Will there be a meal on this flight?"

10. Hork up a lunger on the carpet. (Tip: Drink some milk beforehand to facilitate mucus production.)

11. Before coupling, in a commanding voice say, "Docking procedure, Number One! Engage!" (Warning: This will only serve to encourage Trekkies.)

12. If you have pets, call them into the room saying, "You've got to see this!" Grow increasingly insistent if they don't respond. If they come, order them back out immediately saying, "I tole you never to come in here when we was slappin' nasties! You watch from there!"

13. If you don't have pets, call to imaginary ones. Grow increasingly insistent when they don't come. Eventually, give up saying, "Well that's it, we'll just have to go get some new ones. C'mon."

14. Scream, "Oh, YES, you are the BEST!" Make quote marks with your fingers when you say "best."

15. Announce scoring, Olympic style. (e.g. "5.5, 5.5, 6.0, and from the Chinese judge, 1.0! Oh, that's gotta hurt!")

16. Sing "I'm a Little Teapot" or "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or "Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

17. Chant, "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored...."

18. Exclaim, "Oh shit! You're..." (insert one: "gay," "not gay," "a Libra," "Missouran," "pug-fugly," "my brother,") "...aren't you?"

19. Make bunny faces.

20. Remember the Alamo—with a 12-part PowerPoint presentation and a spectacular finale featuring dancing fish and a kazoo band.

21. Wake up. (Optional: Demand an explanation.)