Past Max 15 Degrees: Built Like a Redneck's Pickup Truck

Monday, August 6, 2001 [by:SilentBob]

You must understand that I have to warn you before reading this. If you read this you are subject to physical harm from the government; they are trying to keep me quiet. Read at your own risk—these events are things that happened last night. I don't have much time, but I need to get this story out to as many people as possible. I'm sure most of you will think "yeah right, what a nut job" but this is serious, the word needs to be spread.

[11:30 pm]	While enjoying a cold beer on the front porch (okay or maybe slamming a few beers after I fell in the grass and didn't have enough energy to get back up), I notice some hovering lights overhead.
[11:35 pm]	Still lying in the grass. Trying to keep my eyes focused on these lights, I notice they are getting closer.
[11:45 pm]	I can now tell that these lights are some kind of space craft.
[12:02 am]	I think to myself, "The only reports of alien abduction are from drunken, alcoholic rednecks. I have nothing to worry about! Aliens only visit trailer parks!"
[12:20 am]	I get worried because now I got some leprechaun dude trying to put some metal object up my ass. Aliens look nothing like people describe. They are midgets.
[12:30 am]	I don't remember anything from this point.
[4:00 am]	I wake up and ponder the nights happening. And I realize that aliens have been walking on Earth for years. The little bastards were planning on destroying us from the inside! Getting into our government, our fast food joints, our circuses for Christ's sake. One thing I wasn't sure of is if our system has already been overrun?

Then I figured it out, they only abduct rednecks right? Well here is my hypothesis, they abducted George Bush, programmed him, and now set him loose to rule the world. He's just a big dumb robot of the aliens! Listen! I don't have much time! But if you see a midget on the street, capture it! And make it tell you EVERYTHING! I think they are here now, God have mercy on all o—