Monday, July 2, 2001 [by:Geneva]

PORTLAND, OR—Convicted narcissist, Susan Doh, was apprehended by local police Saturday in a routine drug bust. Doh was found in violation of the terms of her parole and taken into custody. The mirror confiscated by police was, according to Doh, being used as drug paraphernalia.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Doh was released by a rookie officer, whose name was not disclosed, when lab results reported no traces of cocaine from the confiscated property. Police now believe Doh to be at large in the greater metropolitan area.

Sergeant Pepper told reporters in today's press conference that Doh is "armed with a bad-ass sense of entitlement and believed to be dangerous."