Life ain't fair. Deal with it.

Tuesday, December 5, 2000 [by:SpaceBass]

Lock your doors, hide your children, hoist the mains'il, batten down the mutton mast, and swab out your poop chute because the terrorist actions have begun! An elite squirrel task force took out the cable TV service to southeast Portland last night, thereby rendering all the couch potato Amerikans in my area utterly confused at the loss of their god and ripe for indoctrination by the new squirrel order re-education camps.

Other squirrel and/or pigeon terrorist squads around the world are perpetrating similar acts. For instance, in France they are stealing all the women and replacing them with drones manufactured from DNA taken from United States citizens. The one spot on Earth with the highest concentration of incredibly hot babes has been reduced to yet another blob of jiggling goo like the U.S. Half the male population of France committed suicide upon this morning's revelation. I myself am a blubbering mess. It is an atrocity I tell you.