Max 15 Degrees Rants: Jump Through This, Bitch

January 26, 2001

I would like to take this opportunity to extend an open invitation to the entire support staff of the local circuit courts (not including the judges of course, your honorablenesseses):

You are all hereby invited to collectively SUCK MY FUCKING COCK.

That's right, I'm fucking pissed. I am sick and tired of petty bureaucrats who are apparently so dissatisfied with their personal lives that they feel a need to exercise what pathetic little amount of power they bear through their jobs by making me jump through new fucking hoops that they pull out of their slickened asses every time I have to deal with them. I can be following their stupid little procedures to the letter for months at a time only to have them turn around suddenly and tell me that I should have been doing it all differently all along and how come I didn't know that and oh my, there's no way I could possibly have been doing it some other way and good lord, nobody would EVER have told me to do it that way, I MUST BE INSANE or something.

To this day, I have no idea how much I am supposed to pay for certified copies of Letters Testamentary and Letters of Guardianship or Conservatorship. These are special letters from the court that basically just say someone has been appointed in one of these capacities on a certain date in a certain case. The problem is, every county has a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION of the state's fee schedule as to how much they are supposed to charge for copies of these. There is supposed to be a certification fee and a per-page copy charge (in some cases a copy of the order is attached to the single-page letter, making it multiple pages in total). One county might charge four dollars for a single page letter. Another county might charge three seventy-five. A third county actually told me they would give me the FIRST COPY FREE. I bet that clerk's supervisor isn't aware of that little tidbit. Multnomah County has been routinely CHANGING THE FUCKING AMOUNT they charge me on a COMPLETELY RANDOM BASIS and either SENDING MY FUCKING REQUESTS BACK or POCKETING THE EXTRA MONEY, depending apparently on the PHASE OF THE MOON or HOW HIGH THE FUCKING TIDE IS or maybe even HOW FAR UP THEIR ASS THE CLERK'S HEAD IS THAT DAY. IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING NUTS.

I'm telling you, it's complete fucking bullshit. I actually had a clerk in one of the offices at Multnomah County tell me that "we don't read that part of the statute" after I pointed out that she was asking me to do something that was patently NOT required by the laws or rules of procedure. That was her response when I asked her if this shit she was making up was part of some supplemental local rule or something because gee, doesn't the statute say this? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T READ THAT PART!@$#@ WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF IGNORING PART OF THE LAW BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU FUCKING KNOW BETTER? YOU ARE A FUCKING CLERK!@#@$ "But it's common sense," she said. NEWS FLASH BITCH! YOUR COMMON FUCKING SENSE DOES NOT TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER FUCKING LEGISLATION!

Today I had a judge's fucking ASSISTANT tell me that I had to send a courtesy copy to the judge of an objection we had filed or else the judge could RULE WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE OBJECTION. WHAT THE FUCK!@$@ How do you fucking IGNORE something that is PART OF THE PUBLIC RECORD based solely on your DELUDED FUCKING WHIM?@!# Mind you, this was not an objection in which we REQUESTED A HEARING, this was a boring old DUE COURSE FUCKING OBJECTION to an attorney fee request. We didn't even receive a FORMAL FUCKING RESPONSE FROM THE OPPOSING SIDE, but WE DIDN'T CARE because it WASN'T WORTH IT. Then she has the FUCKING GALL to tell me THROUGH ANOTHER OFFICE that I DIDN'T FOLLOW A NON-EXISTENT PROCEDURE?!@!# You, my dear, can SUCK MY ASS AS WELL AS MY FUCKING COCK!@#$!%@

Love, SpaceBass