Upon hearing the news of the heroic lady in the U.K. who, fed up with monthly visits by Jehovah's Witnesses over the course of twelve years, pounded on the church door during services and offered them free magazines, we at Max15Degrees immediately wondered, "Why the hell did it take her twelve years to get off her ass?" Regardless of her slackitude, however, she stands today as a shining beacon of hope to those of us who are also greatly perturbed by the Jebus freaks who keep trying to bring us into the "light" against our will. We believe in discouraging those door-knocking bible-thumpers as immediately as humanly possible. Therefore, we are pleased to provide for your use, the following suggestions to try next time you are offered "free magazines":

Top 7 Ways to Discourage Door-to-Door Solicitors (Religious and Otherwise)

7. Godless Heathen. Politely invite the solicitor in, saying, "Why, I'd love to read over your materials and discuss them with you at length! As a matter of fact, you have great timing because I just sacrificed a goat! Why don't y'all come on in and we'll share a cup of blood while I read? Hurry up, while it's still warm and uncurdled!"

6. Little Orphan Wacky. Answer the door with a look of wide-eyed innocence. After the solicitor finishes his spiel, say "Mommy? Why did you leave me, Mommy? Oh, I'm so glad you're back!" Then, sobbing, hug him tight and don't let go. If the solicitor is female, call her "Daddy."

5. Subtle Animosity. Answer the door while sharpening a large butcher knife. Pause sharpening while you politely agree to hear the solicitor out. After he begins, furrow your brow and start sharpening again, quietly saying, "Thirty seconds left."

4. Hot Potato. Prepare for the encounter ahead of time by wrapping a bunch of road flares together and wiring them to an old alarm clock using many colored, coiled wires to give the illusion of a time bomb. When the knock comes, throw open the door with a look of terror, scream, "Look out, she's gonna blow!" and shove the "bomb" into their arms. Slam the door and run into the back room, stomping as loudly as possible. Make sure the clock is ticking.

3. Greater Evil. Invite the solicitor in, surreptitiously lock the door behind him, and immediately attempt to hard-sell him Amway products. Don't give up. Follow him down the street if he manages to get back outside.

2. The Collector. Act abstracted while the solicitor is talking, looking him or her up and down and licking your lips often. With darting eyes, look around for other people who may be observing. Then ask what size the solicitor is. While they are non-plussed, quickly say, "Never mind, why don't you just come in for a bit so I can take some measurements. I think you're perfect to fill out my set." When they run away, call after them, "You won't say anything about this to anybody, will you? Hey!"

1. Knock-Through Agreement. Post a sign near your door, printed in five-point typeface, that begins, "Terms of Use. This is a license agreement entered into by you ("Solicitor") and the resident or other occupant of this house ("Occupant"). By knocking on this door ("Door"), ringing the doorbell, or otherwise calling the Occupant to answer the door ("Annoying the Occupant"), you agree to abide by the terms of this license agreement." Insert your own license requirements, such as granting yourself the authority to enter the Solicitors' homes in the middle of the night to examine their underwear drawers. In fact, insert random paragraphs from loony license agreements that you find on the Internet. Make the agreement as long as possible, and put the really fun requirements at the very bottom. For instance: "Solicitor agrees to provide Occupant with monetary remuneration ("Money") in the amount of US$1,000.00 per month for a period of not less than ten (10) years, and not more than thirty (30) years, beginning from the date that Annoying the Occupant occurred. This license grants Occupant the ability to renew the remuneration period at Occupant's sole discretion, up to fourteen thousand (14,000) times, each for an additional period of not less than ten (10) years, and not more than thirty (30) years. Occupant reserves the right to increase the amount of Money to be remunerated at any time during any active remuneration period to account for cost-of-living increases, purchasing desires, and baseless whims."